Za Rules

Who's eating who?

Kids, there's an important topic that needs to be addressed:  pizza.  Pizza is very important, as it is one of my 3 favorite foods, along with cereal and bacon.  Not just any pizza mind you, but New York style pizza.  Now, Chicago-style deep dish can be very good; but I wouldn't call it "pizza"- it's almost a lasagna with crust instead of noodles.  And a Mexican pizza can be muy delicioso, but what is that really but a big nacho.  So without getting too cheesy, the following are my rules on pizza etiquette.  After all, tomorrow is Pi day.

• John Cusack once mused on the cheese to sauce ratio of a perfect slice.  Though important, what really matters is the crust.  The dough is the foundation; it's what holds everything together.  Without dough, you're broke. First of all, it must always be thick.  Thin crust is another Chicago abomination and is nothing more than eating a cracker covered in cheese and sauce.  Second, the crust should be made with New York City's "mineral" rich water.  Adds flavor and is good for you.  Also, should be cooked in a pizza oven, not in some foofy wood-fired pretend oven.
• Speaking of Chicago abominations, pizza should always be sliced into triangles...never squares.  Archimedes would roll over in his grave if given a square piece of pie.  Now, you're Hoosier Mom might disagree with me here, but too bad....she can write her own blog.
• Now cheese is fine, but let's discuss toppings.  Veggies are cool (mushrooms are my favorite topping).  The only acceptable meats are pepperoni or sausage.  No hamburger or chicken.  Not even bacon (and that's the king of all meats).  Pizza has been perfected over the millennium and it's not for some Puck to go around messing with perfection.  Pineapple and anchovies are tolerable; but never together.
• Finally, the proper way to eat the slice:  hold the slice with 3 fingers, using your index finger to crease the crust, essentially folding the slice in half; the tip should be hanging over; and grease should be pooling in the crease and dripping down your arm.  Yum and bon appetito.