March comes in like an Ocelot...

So, an ocelot walks into a Chinese restaurant at night (afterall, they're nocturnal).  The wild cat, ranging from  South America to Texas, had never been in a Chinese restaurant before.  The eating emporium's proprietor, a giant panda, sidled over to take the painted leopard's order.  The tabby gave pause.  Being fiercely territorial and a particular eater, the cat tried to order from a mental menu of its known prey:  small deer, various rodents, reptiles and amphibians.  The polite but portly panda regretfully replied, "I am so sorry, but we do not serve any of that."  By now the lynx had grown quite hungry and frustrated.  He snarled, "Fine!  I'll have the pizza.  And don't tell me you don't serve that or you will feel my feline fangs in your femur."  The panda scurried back to the kitchen.  Never having served a pizza before he improvised.  He used egg rolls skins for the crust.  Plum sauce for the gravy.  Hot peppers for the pepperonis.  And white rice instead of mozzarella.  He gave the dish a quick stay in the oven and proudly served his concoction.  Drooling with hunger,  the kitty devoured the pie in one bite.  The wrath of the hot peppers kicked in and the cat was inconsolable.  He quickly downed the pitcher of clear liquid placed in front of him, not realizing that it was hot sake.  Now, being both burning from spice and temperature, and also quite a bit tipsy, the cat was out of control.  He ran out of the restaurant on all four paws, hopped into his car (a jaguar, of course), immediately crashed into a telephone pole and died.  Never order pizza in a chinese restaurant.

John Belushi:

  Now look, pal! I know a country where March comes in like an emu and goes out like a tapir. And they don't even know what it means! All right? Now listen, there are nine different countries, where March comes in like a frog, and goes out like a golden retriever. But that- that's not the weird part! No, no, the weird part is, is the frog. The frog- The weird part is-

[has seizure and falls off chair]

The Tortoise and the Hare - the Rematch

The over-confident Hare, shamed by his infamous loss, demanded a rematch.  The righteous Tortoise relished his title and refused.  The Hare pleaded and prodded to no avail.  At his wit's end, he threatened, "Race me again or I'll use my swiftness to steal away all your tasty turtle eggs."  With so much at stake, the Tortoise relented.  No longer could the slow one solely rely upon his steadfastness, and resorted to subterfuge.  From the get go, the hurried Hare flew forward with a constant eye on the rearward terrapin.  With his hindsight, he did not notice the turtleshell-high razor wire which had been laid across the path.  In the end, the Hare was de-feet-ed.