Woody Allen: A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Steven Wright: I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steve Martin: What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny. How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything! First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Jerry Seinfeld: I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Groucho Marx: I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Women should be obscene and not heard. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
No comments:
Post a Comment